Ride in a squad car

When I was in high school I was on the football team.  We were horrible; we won one game in 4 years.  I was one of the bigger guys on the team, which is sad considering I was 5’10” and weighed 165.

We had a game against a division rival at our home field.  I walked down to the locker room in order to get ready.  I found my game uniform on the bottom of the locker, covered in mud from the last drubbing we took.

I had a little more than an hour before the game started so I quickly jumped on my bike with the uniform and rode home in order to wash it.  It took about 10 minutes or so to peddle home and I quickly threw the uniform into the washer.

While it was washing I made myself a snack and farted around the house.  Watched some cartoons in order to psych myself up for the game.  Once the dryer buzzed I quickly put the pants on and threw the uniform over a t-shirt.

I had about 20 minutes to get back to the school so I didn’t need to rush too much.  I hopped on my bike and realized I had a flat tire.  I would not have the time to patch it and no one was home to give me a ride to the game.  Even the neighbor was gone.

So I looked around the garage and found my sisters bike.  It was a girls bike, but I was in a hurry.  I pumped the tires up since it had been sitting for a few years.  Then rode it out of the driveway with about 10 minutes to get to the game.

I had to cross one busy road in order to get back to the school and it was rush hour.  So I peddled across the six lane road and made it without a problem.  With cars whizzing past me around 50 mph.

I could hear cars quickly approaching behind me when I looked down and noticed the break mechanism was dangling.  So I tapped the breaks to slow down and they came loose which sent me sprawling over the handlebars and landing in the center lane.

I could hear the sickening sound of tires screeching behind me and I was certain I was about to be run over.  I tried to react, but it was too late.  I could feel the car barring down on me.  But, somehow it screeched to a halt.  I looked up into the grill of a car that was just inches from my head. 

I jumped up and looked around.  The car turned out to be a squad car from the Glendale police department.  He jumped out and asked “are you OK kid??!!” 

I told him I was fine and I tried to lift my bike.  But the squad car had run over the tire.  The cop stopped traffic and backed up off of my bike.  I lifted it and quickly ran to the side of the road.

As traffic resumed moving I trudged to curb with my sisters ruined bike and quickly realized that I would not be riding it to school.  So I hoisted it onto my shoulders and started running down the road towards school.

After a few steps the squad car pulled up next to me.  I could hear the window roll down and the cop yelled out “Kid, what the hell are you doing?”

I slowed down and said, “I need to get to the football game, and it starts in 10 minutes!”  Then I continued to run with the bike on my back.

The cop said, “hey idiot, I will just put it in the trunk and drive you there!”  Which seemed like a great idea and I was kinda mad I hadn’t thought of it.

So he opened the trunk and I tossed the bike carcass in.  As I was thanking him and approaching the passenger door I had a great idea.  I asked, “Would it be possible to sit in the back?” 

He asked why and I said, “Well, the other schools bus will be there in the parking lot.  I was thinking you could pretend that I was arrested and I’m being let out to play the game.  It should intimidate them a little”

He started laughing and said “that is a hilarious idea kid!  Let’s do it!”  So he proceeded to put cuffs on me and put me in the back seat.  On the short ride to school we discussed how it was going to go down. 

We pulled into the school parking lot and the other teams bus was there.  We drove past them and I glared from the back seat at them.  We parked near by and the cop stepped out and opened the door for me.  Then he started yelling, “OK, Todd – I’m gonna let you out for the game.  But afterwards you are going straight back to the pen!”  Then he took the cuffs off and I grabbed the bike.   

Every eye from the other team was on me as we put on this little show.  The faces showing fear as I lifted the bike and threw it towards the bike rack.  I walked back towards the cop and he said, “Kid, it worked!  They are all looking at you!”  I thanked him under my breath and he thanked me for providing such a great laugh.

Then I stomped away as he yelled “I’ll be back right after the game to pick your ass up and bring you back to jail!”

A few of my teammates saw the whole thing too and they asked, “What the hell have you done this time Dude??”  I explained the whole thing to them and we all laughed.

As the game started I was jumping around and screaming, “Kill!!  Kill!  Bwwwhaaaa!!!”  The other team was across the field and I could see them pointing at me.  My plan had worked.

Halfway through the first quarter they were beating us 24 to 0.  They were basically running at will and beating the crap out of us.  Our stands had already started our cheer of “That’s alright, that’s OK, we are gonna be your boss someday”…  Which meant they had given up watching and were about to go to the parking lot to get stoned.

The other team also started calling me “girl bike” around the second quarter.  I was tossed around like a rag doll while they said “have fun in jail, girl bike!”

It was a little embarrassing.  I made sure to wash my game pants before the next game.