Sally's Chair

It was around 1990, I think.  The early 90’s were kind of a blur of Grateful Dead shows and chicks named Gina.  Anyway, I had just split up with Gina #2 for the 3^rd or 4^th time and I decided I needed a change of pace.  So I moved to Chicago.

My sister was kind enough to let me stay at her place for a few weeks until I found an apartment of my own.  We had always gotten along well and she was happy to help her kid brother out in a time of need. 

Sally had a little place in the Old Town neighborhood of Chicago. It was cute one-bedroom walk up above a renovated coach house.  She had a gated courtyard and a balcony overlooking a parking garage.  It was a great place.  It needed a little work here and there, but it was really a nice place. 

Plus it was walking distance to the Second City, The Exit and Ye Old Towne Tap all of which had open mic comedy nights.  So I could walk places to make an ass of myself.  

As you might imagine, I was happy as hell to couch surf at there or anywhere for a while. 

My first morning there I woke up bright and early (about noon) and Sally was already at work.  I was supposed to go out and find a job, but I decided I should fix stuff around the apartment instead.  Ya know, in order to repay her for the kindness of letting me crash on the couch. 

I started this task by opening my toolbox, because that’s where I kept my weed.  After I was good and confused I decided to get to work. 

First of all, I needed to light the scented candles in order to cover the smell of the weed.  There were three or four of candles and soon enough they were all lit.  I sat around for a while, because I forgot what it was I was supposed to be doing.  I just sort of sat staring at the flame.  Then I remembered I was in the middle of fixing stuff (well, I technically hadn’t started yet) around the apartment.

Sally had mentioned that she didn’t have the time to install a paper towel holder she had recently purchased.  She told me it was in the attic.  I decided that was a simple enough task to start with.

So I moved this big ugly recliner out of the way in order to lower the ladder that led to the little attic.  Once up there I found the paper towel holder and started back down the ladder.

It was at this time that I noticed 3-foot flames engulfing the chair.  It seems I had moved the chair a little too close to a candle and well…  It caught on fire. 

I jumped down and started to bat the flames with my hands.  Which coated my hands in burning plastic and caused flying fiery embers to scatter around the room.  The little fiery embers in turn started little fires on the couch, end table and several little carpet fires.

I was a little panicked, but kept my cool and looked for something else to put out the fire. 

As the fire alarm blared I doused the chair with a two-liter bottle of Pepsi.  The Pepsi put out the chair fire, but the couch, table and carpet were still ablaze.  Plus, I was out of Pepsi!

So I grabbed Sally’s coat and smothered the remaining flames and turned her coat into a burned rumpled ball of charred cloth.

Once I had the fire out and the smoke alarms stopped, I installed the paper towel holder.  Then I sat down to watch The Price Is Right and drink beer. 

When Sally came home I was chipping plastic from my hands and trying to act casual.  She walked into the kitchen and asked “what is that smell?  Were you smoking?”. 

I said, “well, yes, I was smoking a little”.

Then she said, “did you drink all of the Pepsi?”

I replied, “well, no I didn’t drink it.  I used it to put out the fire”…

She let me stay until the end of the month, but we didn’t talk much…  I bought her a used chair for Christmas and an electric candle…