The time I caught on fire

Portions of this story are a little fuzzy but friends have confirmed they are true. The names have been changed, but then changed back because I kept getting confused about who was who.  

It was back in 1988 and it started at Eric’s house where we had made a bong out of a vacuum cleaner. I was with Carlos and a couple other guys, as well as Eric. We turned the vacuum on and fogged the whole room. That’s when things got a little fuzzy… 

Carlos and I walked out and up the street to Julie’s house where she was having a bonfire party. Like I said, things were a little fuzzy but I do remember there were a ton of people there. If you were one of them you might remember better than I do, which would be no surprise. So anyway there was this big ass bonfire and (as luck would have it) an open bucket of gas. 

This was back in the day when videos were a big deal on MtV and I think Kiss had a horrible video out at the time where the dude without the big tongue lit his hand on fire for like a second. It was really cool. 

So we were stupid impressionable teenagers (yes you were, admit it) and we began dipping first a finger and then our whole hand into the bucket of gas and holding it over the fire where it would burn for a second and then go out. 

So I was doing this and having a wonderful time when someone yelled “the gas can is on fire!” > In a split second Billy (the good Samaritan) had the presence of mind to kick the can of gas over. Unfortunately he kicked it onto me and I went up like a match head! 

Keeping a cool head, which was hard to do considering my head was on fire at the time I remembered the Milwaukee river was only a few steps away. I quickly leapt for the safety of the cooling water only to find out it was 3 inches deep. 

So now my back was still on fire and I had jagged rocks stuck in my knees and forehead. 

Around this time I could hear Julies Mother screaming “he’s gonna sue us, he’s gonna fucking sue us!”…

Eventually the flames kind of burned themselves out and I walked back up to the shock and horror of what up to that point had been a fun party. I knew it was not good because only Carlos was laughing at me, everyone else looked rather serious. 

It was at this time that I decided to drink Southern Comfort to dull the pain. Which later in life I learned is NEVER a good idea, gin works much better! Things after that got even fuzzier but I do remember Beth trying to convince me that eyebrows were not that important. 

Later that night I lost my bike and my left shoe. I did get home safely and was able to recover for several weeks as my parents made me stay home for “the rest of my natural life”. Lucky for me I was able to annoy them to the point of being let out early - promising I would never do “that” again. I have kept that promise and have not caught on fire at Julies house since, other places yes, Julies house no.

Of course there are other high school stories I could share – but they are too embarrassing to tell…

FYI eyebrows take 7 weeks to grow back completely