The LAST time I stole something

My friend Eric and I had stopped by this liquor owned by an old German guy. He sold this “World 12 Pack” which was a mix of beer from around the world. Considering it was 1986 there was a limited selection. But still it was better than Miller. I also picked up a bottle of Rumple Mintz, which was Eric's idea.

We then drove to the park and played Frisbee while we drank. After a while we started talking about a new Mainstream music store that had just opened. We had a couple more beer and some shots and then decided to go check it out.

On the way there Eric passed out, he had been drinking a lot more of the Rumple Mints than I had. I decided to just leave him in the car and go check the store out.

Upon entering the store I happened to notice the magnetic strip reader – That would read unscanned items and set off an alarm – was not plugged in. I thought that was a little odd. And in looking back on it it was even more odd that I noticed.

Anyway, CD's had just come out and it was kind of an exciting time to be able to find all the bands I grew up listening to had released poorly recorded CD's of the same music I already had on LP or tape. Plus they were like $20 bucks a pop. I was working at a shoe store at the time and I didn't have a ton of extra cash.

So I looked around and slid a Doors CD into my coat. Then I slipped in a Hendrix and a Supertramp. I had a Janis Joplin and some CCR stuffed in there soon enough. The store was pretty well empty aside from an older lady and her kids. Plus the people that worked there.

I totally figured I was doing this sight unseen. I had 20 or so CD's stuffed into my coat. They were pretty much falling out. I found a Woodstock poster in the sale rack for $3.00. I figured it would be the perfect cover and I would make a ligit purchase.

I walked to the register and handed over the poster. The cashier looked at it and said “that'll be $3.32” so I pulled out a $5.00 and handed it to her. While CD's slipped and almost feel from my jacket.

As she took the $5.00 another employee walked up and said “sir, I need to see inside of your coat” and I said “nope”. Then she said “you may not leave the store without me seeing inside of your coat!”

I reached over the counter and grabbed the $5.00 from the cashier and the poster on the counter. Then I walked to the door. As I pushed on the door the employee yelled “it's locked and I am calling the police” But I worked in retail and I knew how the door worked. I flipped it once to the left and then twice right and the door was unlocked.

I walked out into the parking lot and heard footsteps behind me. I turned to see the employee running after me. So I started to run too. At the time I was kind of an athlete, as I was on the football team and all. So the fact that a 5'4” chick was chasing me didn't worry me as much as I had no idea where I was running.

Seems I had not thought this thru – But I ran down a ravine and back up the other side. The employeee had given up and was runing back to the store. I kept running behind an electronics store and looked for a place to ditch the stuff.

A few moments later a mini van pulled up. I recognized the woman driving as the older lady from the store. She pulled up next to me and shouted “don't ya know ya shouldn’t steal??”. Which kind of freaked me out.

So I ran towards a fence and jumped over it, not realizing it was a 15 foot drop into a concrete embankment for a municipal ravine. I hit the pavement and rolled, CD's scattered every place.

I jumped up and gathered them together and started looking for a place to hide them.

I found a drain pipe under a bridge and I stuffed the CD's and my coat into it. Then I walked up the embankment to the street. When I poked my head up I saw a squad car. Driving slowly, obviously looking for someone. Well... me!

So I ran back down. I was pretty much freaking out and trying to figure out a way I could get out of it. I walked back up the embankment of the ravine and realized I was behind the drug store. So I came up with a great idea.

I walked into the parking lot and saw no squad cars. So I walked into the store and bought some razors. I paid for them with the $5.00 which was intended for the Woodstock poster. Then I walked out the door and back down to the ravine.

I had been trying to grow a beard for about a month. It was actually pretty thick considering I was 17. But I have a Slovak heritage so growing a beard is pretty easy.

I walked down to the ravine and got to the business of shaving off my beard. I was scraping and shaving and scraping. Cleaning the razor in a muddy puddle of the dry ravine bed. I spent a good half an hour or so trying to shave it all off and I thought I had done a pretty good job. So I splashed a little muddy water on my face and walked up the embankment.

I walked down the road to the parking lot of the music store and noticed a handful of squad cars still in the lot. I casually walked to my car and opened the door. Eric was awake now and he was looking out the window at the police and such. He said “Dude, there was a robbery at the music store!! Someone went in a stole a shit load of CD's and then took off running!! They are lookin for”... As he said this he turned to face me.

Then he said “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!”

So I looked in the mirror and was surprised to see chunks of beard still on my face and a lot of blood dripping onto my shirt. Seems I hadn't done as good of a job of shaving as I thought.

Then Eric was all, “DUDE!!! it was YOU!!!”

So I started the car and casually drive away. While telling Eric to keep quiet.

We drove back to the park and finished the last of the beer and then drove back to the scene of the crime to retrieve my CD's. Which I was surprised to find were still there!

So that was the last time I ever stole anything and I actually still have the majority of the CD's!