The Gay Arrangement

I had posted Florist #1 last week.  But decided to just combine it into one blog post.  Enjoy!!

I had just moved to Chicago and I needed a job, badly. I was staying at my sisters place and she got all pissed when I accidentally set her chair on fire. (I was trying to help!) Anyway, she had suggested I move. But with no job it was difficult to pay rent.

So I picked up the paper and started looking for a job which required no skills yet had a high pay rate. I found what I was looking for posted under telemarketing! “Do you like to talk? Would you like to talk to people and make money? Please call ### for an appointment” I was like SCORE!

So I called and spoke to some guy and he was really excited and asked if I could come in for an interview right away. Since I had no pressing engagements, I got on my bike and headed over to Halsted St.

I was a little more than a half hour early so I decided to check out some other stores near by. There was a floral shop/garden center called the Village Green that looked cool, so I stopped in. I had just received my certificate of floral design, while completing my horticulture and landscape management degree. So I thought I would see if they were hiring.

I walked in with my bike and was given a dirty look from the little dude behind the counter. I asked if they were hiring and he said, “no, but we are accepting applications” and he handed me a clipboard. So I filled it out and handed it over with my resume, said good bye and split.

I rode up the street to the telemarketing interview and was really looking forward to a high paying and rewarding job. I walked in and a weird guy in a bright red vest greeted me with “Are you Todd??” and I told him I was indeed. He seemed over excited and said something about my voice matching my face. I had no idea how to respond to that. So I smiled and said “thanks man”.

He led me to an office and began explaining the job. Seems it was like the ad said, I would talk on the phone to guys. I was a little confused and asked “what do I talk about? What are we selling?”.

He told me, “we are selling ourselves here! You just talk about whatever pops into your pretty little head”. So I was totally confused and said “huh?”. He suggested we sit in on Brucey's conversation to see what he was talking about.

So we walk into a room and there is a guy talking on the phone. We got a little closer so I could hear the conversation. Turns out Brucey was talking dirty on the phone, which I thought was kind a weird. A few moments later I realized I was standing in a gay sex line call center. Which completely freaked me out and I do not freak easily. I told them that there was no way I could do that and I split.

I rode my bike back to my sisters house and decided to move back to Milwaukee and Gina #2. Screw it, the Chicago experiment had failed. I packed up my stuff into the Tercell and headed north.

No sooner had I arrived in Milwaukee than my sister called to tell me “some queer guy from a garden center wants you to call him about a job as a florist”. I was like SCORE!! and packed up and split for Chicago again!!

End Part #1

On the way back to Chicago I started to think about the fact that I had never really worked as a florist. In fact, I did pretty poorly in the class and if not for the fact that I cracked the teacher up I am pretty sure I would have failed.

But I am a strong believer in the “Fake It 'Till You Make It” why of life. Some of my favorite jobs started with me not knowing what the hell I was doing when I started, or when I finished for that matter.

Anyway, I never let the fact that I had no clue what I was doing slow me down in the least bit. I had a piece of paper that said I knew what I was doing and I intended to hide behind it for as long as I could!

The first day I showed up at the Village Green was a beautiful sunny day. I rode my bike and parked it in the back lot of the garden center. I was greeted by a few employees and shown the way to the owners office.

I walked in and was warmly greeted by a jovial gay man in his early 60's. We sat and spoke for a while and it was explained to me that this was a gay owned and gay operated garden center and they also own the gay bar next door called the Manhandler Pub. I would be hired as the assistant florist but would do most of the work because “the old queen we have doing it now never shows up”.

I kept a straight (no pun intended) face as he explained all of this to me. I told him that I do indeed have plenty of experience as a florist, but that I am not gay. I asked if that would be a problem and he said, “no of course not honey. Just don't mention it to anyone. We are very open minded around here”.

Turns out that portion of Halsted St. was know as “boys town” and it was kind of the center of the Chicago gay community. Of course, because I was a stoned out of towner, I had no clue what I had stepped into. At first it seemed kinda weird, but no big deal. I mean, who cares really?

I was shown to my work space which was a large walk in cooler and several sliding up rights all packed with flowers. There was a small stack of orders and I got right to work. Needless to say I had no clue what I was doing, but I did it anyway.

Most of the orders were simple “grandma died” kind of arrangements. Pretty simple and cheap. Good to warm up on. After a few hours I began to really get the hang of it. The guys I worked with were all pretty cool and it was kind of like working with hairy chicks that could lift heavy things. Word quickly spread that I was “not one of them” and this piqued curiosity in a few of them. They would ask me questions from the straight male perspective. Which was kinda weird. But it didn't freak me out

Anyway, a few days went by and a guy came into the store and walked right up to the florist stand. He asked if I was the florist and I told him I was. He than said “Honey, I need you to make me an arrangement that will get me laid for sure!”. I kind of laughed and told him I could not guarantee such a thing but that I would do my very best. Then I asked him to come back in about an hour. He said “I am kind of a big deal in the community and if this works I will have fagots lined up around the block to get one”. I was like “great, man. Come back in like an hour”

I got to work on the arrangement and had very little problem coming up with kind of a theme. The theme was phallic, seemed about right. I had some Alum and an Agastache and I needed something for the center.

I brought it up to the cashier and he said I should try across the street. It was right around Valentines day and across the street was a shop called “The House of Condoms” in the window they had several valentine related items.

Turns out they had the perfect thing. You know the heart shaped candies that say “be mine, sweetest, lick me”? That kind of thing? Well. They had condoms with hearts and little sayings like that printed on them. It seemed perfect.

I put it together and waited for the dude to show up. When he did he was super excited and again told me that he was a “Big wig in the gay community”, Blahblahblah... I thought nothing of it and charged him a pretty high price because he was annoying. He walked out and I got back to work on regular arrangements.

A day or so later he came traipsing back in and right up to my counter. He was very happy to tell me “Oh my god, your arrangement worked so well! He loved it and we had a … “ at that point I cut him off lest he go into details (not that there is anything wrong with that). But he went on to say that he would indeed have the word spread about my “Gay Arrangement”.

So I was like, great – it has a name...

A day later a guy comes in and asked for the “Gay Arrangement” and I thought he was joking. But he was serious. So I made one. And then another and a few more. After a few days there was a least one or two of them a day going out the door. After a week it was even more.

Because it was around Valentines day it seemed to be a big hit indeed. I was selling 4 or 5 a day and at $60 a pop my boss was very happy. He even gave me a portion of the profit as a form of thanks. It was pretty cool.

A few days later a guy came in and asked if I was the guy who made the “gay arrangement” I told him that I was and asked if he wanted one. He said he did not want one, but wanted to do an interview on me for the paper. Since I had just received a big chunk of cash from this I figured some extra business would help. So I agreed.

He asked how I had come up with the idea and he took a few pictures of me standing with one in my work station. Big stupid smile on my face. The questions were simple and I had no problem answering them. Then he split.

The following day I got to work and the other guys were all a twitter “Todd, Todd, your in the paper! Oh my god! Sis you see it??” and I said that I had read the Times and the Sun and no, I was not in the paper. They laughed and laughed and said “No, silly! You are on the front page of the Gay Times!” . Then they proceeded to show me the paper, that had me on the front page, in color. I had a big smile on my face and the Gay Arrangement in my hand. The caption under the photo read “Todd Stapleman gay florist and his Gay Arrangement”...

I was like “SHIT!!! They said I was gay! Oh god, what the hell was I thinking?” They told me not to worry about it and that no one takes it seriously.

A few moments after opening the doors to the shop I had the first customer try to ask me out. When I explained that I was straight he rolled his eyes and said “Sure you are, honey”. This went on for the better part of the day. If I was not selling the Gay Arrangement I was being asked to enter a gay arrangement. It was not a lot of fun.

When I got home my sister was giggling on the phone. When she got off she said “well, I just told Mom and Dad you were gay. Mom said 'no wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend' Isn't that funny?”. I wanted to kill her. Then I noticed she had a stack of Gay Times on the table and was just laughing her ass off.

Se sent a copy to my folks and my grandparents. My dad to this day has a framed copy in his office and when clients come over he points it out and says “did I ever tell you about my son the gay florist?” He thinks it is hilarious! I don't think so...

Anyway, I continued to work at the Village Green for several more months. The arrangements and the being hit on calmed down. It was an interesting experience.