St. Pats Day and a new job

I've just started a new job and again it's St. Patrick’s Day.

So it reminded me of a time I started a new job the day after St. Patrick's day. I really think there should be a law that if you are more than ½ Irish you should not have to start your first day of work the day after St. Patrick's Day.

I think it was about 1990, I was 21 years old and living in a cool old house on the East Side of Milwaukee with about 16 roommates. It was a weird life, but I am weird. So it worked out fine.

I had just dropped out of school (again) and I need a job. I had a degree in Horticulture so I decided to get a job working for a landscaping company. I found one with little difficulty and they hired me after a few short interviews. Then they told me my starting date and I was ready to go.

The trouble was the starting date turned out to be the day after St. Patrick's Day. I had told my roommates that I needed to be responsible and that I was NOT going out to get wasted the night before I started my new job. I decided to drive to the bar and have a couple of drinks and some corned beef. Then go home at a sensible hour in order to get a good night sleep. After all I needed to be in top form in order to make a good impression.

Some where around the 3^rd of 4^th pitcher of green beer I kind of forgot about the new job. I was having a great time with some redheaded chick and I was feeling no pain. We were doing shots of Jamo and drinking a ton of beer. If I remember right there was a Ska band playing.

I don't really remember driving home, but my alarm woke me up at 5 am. I was like, “why the hell is that thing going off?” so I looked at my alarm and there was a note scrawled in womanish handwriting that said, “good luck at your new job today! I had a great time getting to know you Steve”... I looked around and was happy to see there was no “Steve” in the bed with me.

I crawled my hungover ass out of the bed and into our filthy shower (you actually felt dirtier after getting out) and shaved the hangover off my tongue. Then got ready for my first day of work.

I walked out to my car and found it parked pretty well, right out front. So I was kinda proud of that. I hoped in and turned the key... Nothing. Seems some drunkass left the lights on all night and the battery was dead.

So panic sets in. How the hell am I going to get to work??

I ran back inside and woke up my very pissed and equally hungover roommate and asked if I could possibly borrow his car. His dad had just passed away and he had inherited this huge Delta 98. I knew he had no place to go and would still be asleep when I got home that afternoon. I convinced him that I would be super careful and he just wanted me to shut up and go away. So he gave me the keys.

As I am leaving my friend Polock wakes up and says “Dude, can you give me a ride to my folks house?” I was going to say no... But the karma of Bali giving me the car made me say “Sure man”...

So he grabbed his stuff and we walked out the door to the Delta 98. We got in and I was not feeling great. Plus I was in a big freaking car I had never driven before. It was a little odd. But Polock and I drove up to his folks house, which was kind of on the way.

But I was now running REALLY late for my first day of work. So after dropping off the Lock, I hopped on Good Hope Rd. and sped towards Hwy 45.

On the intersection of 91^st and Good Hope I came up on two Semi trucks in the center and left lane. Yet the light was green. Plus I was doing about 50 mph. So I got into the right hand lane and sped towards the intersection. At the moment of passing the truck I noticed why they had stopped. There was another semi truck crossing the intersection against the red light.

I attempted to stop, I even attempted to slam the car into reverse. Nonetheless, I slammed into the back tires of the truck and came to a complete stop.

I hopped out and looked at the damage. The truck driver soon joined me. He had a WTF? expression on his face, which is to be expected considering I had just slammed into the back of his rig. As it turned out there was very little if any damage to the truck. Which was cool. What was not cool was the fact that Bali's car was pretty smashed up.

I told the truck driver that I was running really late for my first day of work and he looked over the damage. He said, “kid, don't worry about it. There is no damage to my truck. Your car is fucked, but I'm fine. If you have to take off go ahead”. So I picked up the bumper and a few chunks of Bali's car and took off.

I then was running REALLY LATE. So I sped towards the freeway. Once on 45 north I picked up speed I was doing about 80 mph when I noticed the flashing red and blue lights in the rear-view mirror. I swore at the top of my lungs as I pulled over.

The cop approached the car and asked if I was in a hurry. I calmly explained, “I actually am in a hurry, I am running late for my first day of work and I was totally speeding”. He kind of looked at me and said “I tell ya what, I will follow you to your job so you can explain that you have been pulled over and we can take care of the speeding ticket when we get there”. Which seemed kind of reasonable.

So I drove off with the cop in tow. I got off the freeway and drove to the office of my new job. It was not a super job, I had been hired as a landscape supervisor for a very big landscape company north of Milwaukee. Once in the parking lot I gestured to the cop and quickly ran into the office to inform them that I was getting a speeding ticket.

Then I walked back out to face the music about my speeding ticket. As I approached the police car his attitude seemed to change. He said, “this car matches the description of a car that left the scene of an accident on 91^st and Good Hope”.

I agreed and said, “Yup, that was me. I hit the back of a truck. But there was no damage to the truck and the driver said I could leave. I explained to him that I was running late for my first day of work. He said it was ok if I left.

The cop was standing right next to me now and he said, “well kid, it's not ok to leave the scene of an accident. Plus your car seems pretty banged up”.

So I told him it's not my car, but my friends Father's car and that I had permission to drive it. Plus I would be taking care of the repairs.

Around this time I looked towards the office of my new employer and noticed a few people peeking out towards the spectacle taking place in the parking lot.

It was at this time that the cop said, “Plus, you kind of smell like alcohol”.

I calmly explained that I had been out drinking the night before celebrating St. Pats day and that I was a little hungover. He asked what time I got home the night before and I said I wasn't really sure.

He proceeded to say, “kid, we are going to have to conduct a sobriety test because I could still be drunk”. As he said this I could see more eyes from the office looking into the parking lot. So I tried to convince him not to have it in the parking lot, but to drive down the road a bit and I would be happy to comply.

He said, “if you don't comply son, I will just arrest you on suspicion of drunken driving, speeding and leaving the scene of an accident”. This didn't sound like a great idea so I complied.

He had me walk in a straight line, touch my fingers to my nose and a number of other things while in the parking lot of my my job. All the while I could see more and more people looking out of the window and laughing at me...

I was able to pass the sobriety test while in full view of my new employers. I was able to explain that there was no damage to the truck and the truck driver confirmed this and the fact that he said I could leave. Which left the matter of the speeding ticket.

I was doing 85 mph in a 55. The cop hemmed and hawed over what to do. Then he kind of smirked and said, “Well kid, I probably just cost you your job anyway and fixing your friends car is going to cost at least a few hundred. So I suppose you have learned your lesson.”. Then he got into his car and drove away.

I put my tail between my legs and walked into the office. I was told upon entry that the owner wanted to see me. I was not pleased... I walked into his office and he looked pissed. He asked me to close the door and I did. Then I took a seat and waited to be fired.

Instead he asked, “what the hell just happened out there?”

So I told him the whole story, every single detail. He started to loose the pissed off face. Then he started to smile. Then (when I got to the part about being pulled over) he started to laugh. By the time I had gotten to the end and told him that I was let off with a warning he was laughing really hard.

He laughed for a bit and then said, “so, I take it you REALLY wanted to be on time?”... He wound up making me the supervisor of the largest mall in Wisconsin because he thought I really showed “initiative”.

I was just happy to still have a job -

But being the supervisor of Southridge Mall led to several other funny stories... Which I should cover some day...                

Ride in a squad car

When I was in high school I was on the football team.  We were horrible; we won one game in 4 years.  I was one of the bigger guys on the team, which is sad considering I was 5’10” and weighed 165.

We had a game against a division rival at our home field.  I walked down to the locker room in order to get ready.  I found my game uniform on the bottom of the locker, covered in mud from the last drubbing we took.

I had a little more than an hour before the game started so I quickly jumped on my bike with the uniform and rode home in order to wash it.  It took about 10 minutes or so to peddle home and I quickly threw the uniform into the washer.

While it was washing I made myself a snack and farted around the house.  Watched some cartoons in order to psych myself up for the game.  Once the dryer buzzed I quickly put the pants on and threw the uniform over a t-shirt.

I had about 20 minutes to get back to the school so I didn’t need to rush too much.  I hopped on my bike and realized I had a flat tire.  I would not have the time to patch it and no one was home to give me a ride to the game.  Even the neighbor was gone.

So I looked around the garage and found my sisters bike.  It was a girls bike, but I was in a hurry.  I pumped the tires up since it had been sitting for a few years.  Then rode it out of the driveway with about 10 minutes to get to the game.

I had to cross one busy road in order to get back to the school and it was rush hour.  So I peddled across the six lane road and made it without a problem.  With cars whizzing past me around 50 mph.

I could hear cars quickly approaching behind me when I looked down and noticed the break mechanism was dangling.  So I tapped the breaks to slow down and they came loose which sent me sprawling over the handlebars and landing in the center lane.

I could hear the sickening sound of tires screeching behind me and I was certain I was about to be run over.  I tried to react, but it was too late.  I could feel the car barring down on me.  But, somehow it screeched to a halt.  I looked up into the grill of a car that was just inches from my head. 

I jumped up and looked around.  The car turned out to be a squad car from the Glendale police department.  He jumped out and asked “are you OK kid??!!” 

I told him I was fine and I tried to lift my bike.  But the squad car had run over the tire.  The cop stopped traffic and backed up off of my bike.  I lifted it and quickly ran to the side of the road.

As traffic resumed moving I trudged to curb with my sisters ruined bike and quickly realized that I would not be riding it to school.  So I hoisted it onto my shoulders and started running down the road towards school.

After a few steps the squad car pulled up next to me.  I could hear the window roll down and the cop yelled out “Kid, what the hell are you doing?”

I slowed down and said, “I need to get to the football game, and it starts in 10 minutes!”  Then I continued to run with the bike on my back.

The cop said, “hey idiot, I will just put it in the trunk and drive you there!”  Which seemed like a great idea and I was kinda mad I hadn’t thought of it.

So he opened the trunk and I tossed the bike carcass in.  As I was thanking him and approaching the passenger door I had a great idea.  I asked, “Would it be possible to sit in the back?” 

He asked why and I said, “Well, the other schools bus will be there in the parking lot.  I was thinking you could pretend that I was arrested and I’m being let out to play the game.  It should intimidate them a little”

He started laughing and said “that is a hilarious idea kid!  Let’s do it!”  So he proceeded to put cuffs on me and put me in the back seat.  On the short ride to school we discussed how it was going to go down. 

We pulled into the school parking lot and the other teams bus was there.  We drove past them and I glared from the back seat at them.  We parked near by and the cop stepped out and opened the door for me.  Then he started yelling, “OK, Todd – I’m gonna let you out for the game.  But afterwards you are going straight back to the pen!”  Then he took the cuffs off and I grabbed the bike.   

Every eye from the other team was on me as we put on this little show.  The faces showing fear as I lifted the bike and threw it towards the bike rack.  I walked back towards the cop and he said, “Kid, it worked!  They are all looking at you!”  I thanked him under my breath and he thanked me for providing such a great laugh.

Then I stomped away as he yelled “I’ll be back right after the game to pick your ass up and bring you back to jail!”

A few of my teammates saw the whole thing too and they asked, “What the hell have you done this time Dude??”  I explained the whole thing to them and we all laughed.

As the game started I was jumping around and screaming, “Kill!!  Kill!  Bwwwhaaaa!!!”  The other team was across the field and I could see them pointing at me.  My plan had worked.

Halfway through the first quarter they were beating us 24 to 0.  They were basically running at will and beating the crap out of us.  Our stands had already started our cheer of “That’s alright, that’s OK, we are gonna be your boss someday”…  Which meant they had given up watching and were about to go to the parking lot to get stoned.

The other team also started calling me “girl bike” around the second quarter.  I was tossed around like a rag doll while they said “have fun in jail, girl bike!”

It was a little embarrassing.  I made sure to wash my game pants before the next game.   

The LAST time I stole something

My friend Eric and I had stopped by this liquor owned by an old German guy. He sold this “World 12 Pack” which was a mix of beer from around the world. Considering it was 1986 there was a limited selection. But still it was better than Miller. I also picked up a bottle of Rumple Mintz, which was Eric's idea.

We then drove to the park and played Frisbee while we drank. After a while we started talking about a new Mainstream music store that had just opened. We had a couple more beer and some shots and then decided to go check it out.

On the way there Eric passed out, he had been drinking a lot more of the Rumple Mints than I had. I decided to just leave him in the car and go check the store out.

Upon entering the store I happened to notice the magnetic strip reader – That would read unscanned items and set off an alarm – was not plugged in. I thought that was a little odd. And in looking back on it it was even more odd that I noticed.

Anyway, CD's had just come out and it was kind of an exciting time to be able to find all the bands I grew up listening to had released poorly recorded CD's of the same music I already had on LP or tape. Plus they were like $20 bucks a pop. I was working at a shoe store at the time and I didn't have a ton of extra cash.

So I looked around and slid a Doors CD into my coat. Then I slipped in a Hendrix and a Supertramp. I had a Janis Joplin and some CCR stuffed in there soon enough. The store was pretty well empty aside from an older lady and her kids. Plus the people that worked there.

I totally figured I was doing this sight unseen. I had 20 or so CD's stuffed into my coat. They were pretty much falling out. I found a Woodstock poster in the sale rack for $3.00. I figured it would be the perfect cover and I would make a ligit purchase.

I walked to the register and handed over the poster. The cashier looked at it and said “that'll be $3.32” so I pulled out a $5.00 and handed it to her. While CD's slipped and almost feel from my jacket.

As she took the $5.00 another employee walked up and said “sir, I need to see inside of your coat” and I said “nope”. Then she said “you may not leave the store without me seeing inside of your coat!”

I reached over the counter and grabbed the $5.00 from the cashier and the poster on the counter. Then I walked to the door. As I pushed on the door the employee yelled “it's locked and I am calling the police” But I worked in retail and I knew how the door worked. I flipped it once to the left and then twice right and the door was unlocked.

I walked out into the parking lot and heard footsteps behind me. I turned to see the employee running after me. So I started to run too. At the time I was kind of an athlete, as I was on the football team and all. So the fact that a 5'4” chick was chasing me didn't worry me as much as I had no idea where I was running.

Seems I had not thought this thru – But I ran down a ravine and back up the other side. The employeee had given up and was runing back to the store. I kept running behind an electronics store and looked for a place to ditch the stuff.

A few moments later a mini van pulled up. I recognized the woman driving as the older lady from the store. She pulled up next to me and shouted “don't ya know ya shouldn’t steal??”. Which kind of freaked me out.

So I ran towards a fence and jumped over it, not realizing it was a 15 foot drop into a concrete embankment for a municipal ravine. I hit the pavement and rolled, CD's scattered every place.

I jumped up and gathered them together and started looking for a place to hide them.

I found a drain pipe under a bridge and I stuffed the CD's and my coat into it. Then I walked up the embankment to the street. When I poked my head up I saw a squad car. Driving slowly, obviously looking for someone. Well... me!

So I ran back down. I was pretty much freaking out and trying to figure out a way I could get out of it. I walked back up the embankment of the ravine and realized I was behind the drug store. So I came up with a great idea.

I walked into the parking lot and saw no squad cars. So I walked into the store and bought some razors. I paid for them with the $5.00 which was intended for the Woodstock poster. Then I walked out the door and back down to the ravine.

I had been trying to grow a beard for about a month. It was actually pretty thick considering I was 17. But I have a Slovak heritage so growing a beard is pretty easy.

I walked down to the ravine and got to the business of shaving off my beard. I was scraping and shaving and scraping. Cleaning the razor in a muddy puddle of the dry ravine bed. I spent a good half an hour or so trying to shave it all off and I thought I had done a pretty good job. So I splashed a little muddy water on my face and walked up the embankment.

I walked down the road to the parking lot of the music store and noticed a handful of squad cars still in the lot. I casually walked to my car and opened the door. Eric was awake now and he was looking out the window at the police and such. He said “Dude, there was a robbery at the music store!! Someone went in a stole a shit load of CD's and then took off running!! They are lookin for”... As he said this he turned to face me.

Then he said “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!”

So I looked in the mirror and was surprised to see chunks of beard still on my face and a lot of blood dripping onto my shirt. Seems I hadn't done as good of a job of shaving as I thought.

Then Eric was all, “DUDE!!! it was YOU!!!”

So I started the car and casually drive away. While telling Eric to keep quiet.

We drove back to the park and finished the last of the beer and then drove back to the scene of the crime to retrieve my CD's. Which I was surprised to find were still there!

So that was the last time I ever stole anything and I actually still have the majority of the CD's!